There is nothing worse than feeling horrible about yourself and then read someone's blog about losing weight, I know I have been there many many times. I thought that since everyone's mind is on the yearly resolution I would open up a little bit about my journey with always feeling like I needed to lose weight and always feeling fat since about age 15. This post might be shocking to some who have never known this about me, but in the spirit of paying if forward I felt I needed to share my journey and hopefully help someone in theirs. I think I can remember only one time in my life I have felt good about my weight and that was in my 2nd year of college, living in CA, I had a great tan, was playing college Volleyball and finally got in decent shape (for me) Before and after that I struggled.
I was always the tallest kid in my class until about Freshman year when finally most of the boys started catching up. The girls however remained shoulder level and below. The last time I was referred to as a bean pole was 7th grade, the same year I decided to change back to my given name "Courtney". Before my name change decision I was walking around with the name Cori, had braces, short hair and wore a brown Izod shirt that all made for a pivotal "lump in the throat" moment when a cute boy said "HEY CORI ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL"? Apparently he did not see my Normandy Rose Jeans I was wearing with the cute rose on the pocket or my ice cream cone earrings! Regardless, it was at that moment I decided my birth name Courtney would resurrect and everyone would follow suit in calling me that, which appeared to be a harder transition for some than others. In fact, at our recent family Christmas my cousin who I have seen at least 2x a year for the last 30 some years just found out I go by Courtney not Cori, I gave him permission, along with my Uncle Ron who when I was 3 took Cori and changed it to Correta and still calls me one or the other, to use his exception card.
|Wonder Which one is Me! |
RHCC 8th Grade Youth Group Girls
I think where I went wrong with my metabolism was Freshman year when I discovered the vending machine that sold toffee covered peanuts and there was just enough time to down a package before volleyball practice started every day. It didn't help that my dearest friend in high school was TINY, medium height and could eat a whole pizza if she wanted with nothing to show for it, not that she did, but you know those people. Loved her, but hated that she looked cuter in her black stirrup pants than I did. As sports became everything to me and my focus turned towards college potential and striving to be quicker, faster, jump higher and compete at a higher level, I soon began to notice my weight more. I was 5'10 (with bxball shoes on) and about 145 which next to the 5'4 guard who was rail thin and fast, made me feel like a girl headed for roller derby. The thing is, I was never really fat fat, just heavier and bulkier and not skinny (ok the thyroid disease didn't help) or fast enough for my expectations and never would be. While at the mall my size 0 sister, in college at the time, tried to convince me how great it must be to have such strong legs and that it was all muscle!! well maybe so, miss "I can eat whatever I want in the the food court" but I'd much rather be skinny and weak at this moment in time and be able to find ONE pair of jeans that fit these muscular thighs!! She I'm sure meant well.
|LO Basketball 1988 Jr. Year|
In my younger 30's I was pregnant 6 times in a matter of 3 years (yes that is another story) which added on the pounds. I don't think I have ever had healthy eating patterns in that I would gain some weight and then think ok I need to cut way back and then starve myself by skipping meals. I've realized that I've NEVER really been completely comfortable with where I have been on the scale since 8th grade! This last year in November I decide once and for all before I hit the big 40, I only have one life, I'm only my kids mom once, my husbands wife once, I want to be happy about things and not worry about food so much and have it be the enemy. I had heard of so many people's success stories with Medifast and mainly from my friend Jules who is a Take Shape For Life Coach, and I thought the eating every 2 hours sounded like a wise approach for me rather than being so focused on each meal and getting busy skipping meals etc. I was so excited that this program actually was working and attacking that pesky muffin top hanging over the jeans. I chose to go on it at the worst but maybe the best time of the year Vacation and the Holidays! But I found I was so disciplined and wanted this once and for all that I just made better choices than I have ever made during this time. Looking back I really don't think I missed out on much..(ok, I could've died to have more mashed potatoes and spinach dip). I figured if I can make it through past those hurdles I can do the rest of the year making wise choices and not making unhealthy choices. I started November 11th, and up to today I have lost 22.5 lbs eating throughout the day!
I feel awkward a little sharing my story but I know that there are many others out there who struggle with all kinds of addictions and spent tons of money trying to get over them, failed, got back on track, failed and feel miserable and guilty at times. I hope that the picture of the Devil tempting you comes to your mind when you are in that situation of temptation. I pray that you will understand that God has a greater purpose for us than to be stuck in the trap of addiction.
I know that losing weight isn't the end all be all or a certain size isn't what places value on someone, but if it is something that is unhealthy or holding you back in some way whether physically or socially and it would make you feel better as a person, then it is so worth getting to a place you feel confident. I don't know if I will ever completely NOT think about weight because I have thought about it for so long, but I do know that food itself isn't the enemy and the porcelain god will never win again.
“Even though you meant harm to me, God meant it for good, to achieve his present end.” (Genesis 50:20)
“For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11