Sunday, February 8, 2015
A Chronic Twist
Life sure is interesting isn't it? I really can't believe what the last 6 months have held. It's true you never know what tomorrow holds. I found out really quick that I truly am not in charge of my life and my days. Scrolling down a few posts you will read about "the shift" where I transition from my heart world of music to the head world of business. Now I know that the heart and head must be in the same breath. I realized one can't live without the other or one will suffer. As I was obedient to the Lord to follow in my husbands footsteps and to bring more consistent income to our family, my heart was happy but there was still a little ache of what was missing. I know God created a musical entity in me for a purpose. Where that fit in this new phase I have watched and waited and found that it fit perfectly!! There have been these wonderful moments where I got to place my guitar over my head and step up to the microphone and lead a group of people in praise songs to God. It can happen I can still do what my soul was made for. I remember the sting when I had my first morning of leading worship and my son said "I thought you weren't going to do that anymore?". It stung because I knew he was watching my every move and word, knew that he saw me place God's good gifts in a pile in the back corner, and wondered if he was worried I would get too involved to quick again and he wouldn't see me. I told him that day that music will always be a part of me.. it's what God placed in my heart and what spiritually I'm supposed to do for His kingdom.
Just as my head and heart came together I was thrown for a loop. It's these times that I don't know if the enemy was messing with me or God was teaching me something new, or both. All I know that God never wastes anything it always turns to good weather we see it or we have to wait to see the good in things.
I woke up one day in November and I literally couldn't walk because my sciatic nerve were pressing down so hard on my muscles. I couldn't straighten up, I couldn't do anything but lay down. I thought it would be over in a few days but it got worse and then worse and finally I was just in bed. We just had changed churches and I wanted to be involved, I just was getting my first real estate deal, I had 3 awesome musical events coming in December that I desperately wanted to be healthy for.. and I couldn't get out of bed. As days turned to weeks and into December I went to several forms of treatment knowing I was dealing with my lower back but not knowing what it was really. As my week of 3 events was approaching and I was getting a little reprieve my friends surrounded around me to pray that I would be healed and get back to "life" and be able to do these events. The next day as I left my first acupuncture apt and my praying friends I began to feel better. So much better that on my way to my first event early December I thought I was completely healed! I was able to hold my guitar standing, no pain, worship and thankful to God. I leave that event, so charged up and walk into my house and it was as if every muscle and nerve decided to come back and say "NOT SO FAST SISTER" my body was once again weak and painful. Event 2 and 3 were not as demanding on my body, a lot of sitting and a lot of Tylenol and pain cream. I remember a friend seeing me at church where I couldn't stand that week before and I was crying from pain. She said she'd pray for me... After church I was pain free standing and walking normal... I texted her to give her the news and thank her for praying which she said was through that whole service. But sadly, when that week of events was over I got much worse.
Why am I now like this? Why is God allowing this? I begin to doubt that I might ever be the same. Week after week the stress adding to my husband and family. My personality changing because of the agonizing pain that wouldn't stop. The long nights of nerve pain that wouldn't go away. The world moving onward, celebrating Christmas time, parties, baking, shopping, decorating... I was left out of it all. Yet there were still things I had to do, work things, giving rides, trying to find ways to function. I hit rock bottom one night out of pain and discouragement. I felt I had tried everything, I didn't want surgery, I didn't know what was exactly wrong until I had an MRI which confirmed what my chiropractor thought.. bulging disc, compression, stenosis.. twisting of the lower spine.. OUCH! What I thought would be a normal adjustment for my lower back where I would be on my way.. turned into 3 months of pain and debilitation. Finally after getting gentle spine adjustments to relieve the nerve pain I began to turn a corner. What a awesome day it was finally at the end of January to stand once again. To be able to stand and cook a meal, to do dishes, to look people in the eye.
It's amazing what life holds. I don't fully understand why this happened, but I know that it was for a reason. I understand even more than I did before a glimpse of what people suffer through in chronic pain. I understand giving up. I understand feeling lonely, dark, hopeless. I got a glimpse of the charity or lack of that people feel with a disability. I understand why someone in chronic pain or in a wheel chair might be overweight, why comfort food feels good. I wonder if God's timing to take me out of the game was for me just to get knocked off my feet to appreciate when I am in good health. To not waste time. To be more purposeful and thankful. To wait on the Lord. To trust more and help more. To not take health for granted. The timing of this and our transition to a new church family was interesting. I wonder if God knew me well enough that I would want to dive right in and get involved with church activities. Meet people, work in ministry, act on the stirrings of my heart.. only to sideline me and cause me to wait and watch. I don't want to be sidelined in order to learn a lesson of waiting on the Lord. How often have I done things on my own strength and will and not waited only to get myself into a mess. As I gently work my back into health still, I am gently navigating where God will have me in this new place.